Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
