his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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