at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
