: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize