i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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