I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
