you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
