I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
