if you like me you must not know who I am
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
