The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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