maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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