I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
3pm strippers are depressing
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
