I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
