I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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