Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
