I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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