if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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