not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
