Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
