I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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