between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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