1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish I only lived at night.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
