It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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