You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize