well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
