so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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