I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
