I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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