at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
