I think i peed on brittanys purse
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
