So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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