Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
