I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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