I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
