alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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