her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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