saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
