I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
