so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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