Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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