I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
