bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
