if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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