I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
