ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
