How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
