You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
