I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
And then he peed in my hair
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