If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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