I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize