Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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