Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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