This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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