Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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