so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
