Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
